NEW DELHI — In a startling display of geopolitical tone-deafness, US oligarch and part-time rocket enthusiast Elon Mask reportedly flew into a fit of pique this week, sources confirmed, after Indian regulators politely declined to grant him a sweeping, immediate license to beam his satellite internet service directly into the brains of 1.4 billion people.
The frustration, described by insiders as “highly frastrated,” allegedly stemmed from Mask’s belief that India was a primitive, internet-starved backwater desperately awaiting his technological savior complex.
Speaking from a hyperbaric chamber aboard his private jet, Mask reportedly screamed into a Starlink terminal, “Do they not know who I am? I am the main character of the internet! Without me, they are living in the digital dark ages!”
However, in a twist that has left Mask’s PR team scrambling, the billionaire appears to be entirely unaware of a crucial statistic: India already has the lowest internet cost in the world.
“Mr. Mask seemed genuinely shocked when we told him that Indians pay, on average, less than a tenth of what Americans pay for a gigabyte of data,” said a source close to the negotiations, who requested anonymity to avoid being sued by a man who owns a social media platform. “He kept muttering, ‘But how will they stream my tweets? How will they watch my rockets explode?’ He genuinely thought he was bringing fire to cavemen.”
According to the source, Mask’s frustration peaked when he was informed that not only is Indian internet cheap, but it’s also widely available, with millions of users streaming high-definition cricket matches and cat videos without ever needing a satellite dish shaped like a pizza box.
“He started shouting about ‘permission’ and ‘regulatory capture,'” the source continued. “We tried to explain that India has a robust, competitive telecom market. He just kept saying, ‘But my satellites! They are the best satellites! The most beautiful satellites!’ It was like watching a billionaire toddler who just learned that other people have toys too.”
The Indian government, for its part, has remained stoic. A spokesperson for the Ministry of Communications issued a brief statement: “We are aware of Mr. Mask’s interest in the Indian market. We are also aware that our citizens enjoy some of the most affordable data rates in the world. We suggest he do a simple Google search—which he can do for very cheap here, by the way—before assuming we are in desperate need of his ‘permission-based’ salvation.”
At press time, Mask was reportedly considering a new strategy: offering a “premium” tier of Starlink that costs 500 times more than the local competition, because “that’s what people in India really want—to pay more for the same thing, but with a cooler logo.”
